Greeting Cards

Most greeting cards are trite, insipid, and lame. But not the Selfish Kitty line of Calypso Cards. Just for fun I decided to write some cards for them.

Here are a few they bought:

Here are some they didn’t:

Occasion Cover Inside
Birthday A pair of jeans, global hegemony, The Pat Sajak Show, your youth. Some things weren’t meant to last.
Birthday This year I bought you another fantastic gift. Then I returned it to the store to save you the trouble. Happy Birthday!
Birthday Did you know that by the age of 17 Joan of Arc had led the French Army? What have you done, slacker? Happy Birthday and get cracking!
Birthday Happy Birthday! Remember, you’re as young as you feel. How ya feeling, Methuselah?
Birthday Around the world 17.5 million people share your birthday today. Bet you thought you were special.
Birthday At a certain age you should stop expecting people to fuss over your birthday. That age is 12.
Birthday Remember when you were a kid and you could fall out of a wheelbarrow and not get injured? Now you get hurt when you sleep in a bed that isn’t yours. Aging blows.
Birthday Me Want Wish You Merry Birthday! That’s what happens when they outsource greeting card writers. Anyway, you know what I mean.
Friendship Do you know how rare our friendship is? Because, seriously, I can’t stand most people.
Love Darling, after being exposed to your enveloping vitality, there exists an anemic pallor in all other women. Does my braininess turn you on?
Love My attraction to you is the strongest force in the universe! The weakest force turns out to be the grip on that metal claw game in the arcade.
Wedding Congratulations on your wedding! Did you pledge your troth? I didn’t even know you had a troth.
Father’s Day To Mom, on Father’s Day, from the Cat. Whoa, here’s a card that shouldn’t exist.
Thanksgiving Let’s make this Thanksgiving special… By skipping dinner and going directly to the traumatic, drunken family quarrel.
Christmas In Lithuania Santa Claus is called Kaledu Senis. Like you care.
Christmas Merry Christmas, Jenny! From Uncle Lew. Obviously the cards were pretty picked over by the time I got to them.
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About Steve Altes

Steve Altes is the author of several humor books, dozens of humorous adventure essays, and the comedic graphic novel Geeks & Greeks, set at MIT and inspired by MIT's culture of hacking and Steve's own experiences with hazing.
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