Do you know what the most insincere “God bless you” you’ll ever hear is? The one that comes from a panhandler you just turned down.
“Hey, man, spare some change?”
“God bless you.”
Don’t you love it when you accidentally do a really cool stunt? The other night I was squirting toothpaste out of the tube and a little spurt of toothpaste went flying. I quickly swiped my toothbrush through the air and caught it in mid-air. It’s like you’re Spider-Man for a second.
Why does the U.S. Postal Service advertise? Why do they sponsor Lance Armstrong? Are they trying to get the word out that they exist? You don’t have to advertise when you have a monopoly. I don’t have a choice when I want to mail a letter. “Hmm, I think I’ll send this letter with an Easter seal, instead of a stamp.”
Why do people clap after a movie in a theater? No one connected with the film is there to appreciate the applause. It’s not live theater. Do they clap at home after a good video?
Why does Coors Light exist? Are there actually people in this world for whom the hearty, bold taste of regular Coors is too much?
Don’t you love it when you come back to your car and see what looks like a parking ticket, but it turns out to be a flyer hawking some weight loss nonsense?
Why do police even bother with unmarked cars? They’re the most visible cars on the road. “Hmm, late model, dark blue, Crown Vic with seven antennas on it. I think I’ll just speed by him.”
Vanessa Williams wants to “paint with all the colors in the wind.” Why stop there? Why not sculpt with all the flavors in sun? Or bake with all the ribbons in the trees?
I’ve never understood people who sign their business letters with “cheers.” Were they drinking when they wrote me?
Why do realtors replace “For Sale” signs with “Sold” signs? Why not just remove the “For Sale” sign?
In my elementary school there was a kid named “Christopher Malistopher.” Why do parents do that? Why not just name him “Beat Me Up Malistopher?”
Do you remember the exact day you decided people suck? I do. It was the day Trix cereal had the vote on whether the rabbit should be allowed to get any Trix. And America overwhelmingly voted “No.”
This piece originally appeared in Funny Times.