Fashion Police

As a member of Us Weekly‘s “Fashion Police,” I got to comment on celebrity fashion eccentricities, although I realize that I am a dubious judge of style, as these craptastic shots attest.

Why did I do it? Partly because, as the scathingly brilliant Cintra Wilson puts it:

The slandering of iconage is a sport — not an act of aggression or bitterness, but an exercise. Why should these people not get taunted and roasted? We treat our celebrities, regardless of artistic merit, like an untouchable royal family, which causes most of us to act like dribbling serfs despite the value of our individual lives. We regard ourselves as slow-minded, vermin-infested bedwetters when presented with the gold-plated auras of media success in others. The implication of Fame, in this value-warped society, is: You’ve made it. You and your grand talents are so bright, you are somehow, both physically and spiritually, light-years beyond all us bone-sucking hacks. I yowl in disgust at this bias.

But mostly I did it for the joke-writing practice.

In any case, here are a few catty comments.

Bebe Neuwirth
In her defense, it was the last dress left on Earth.

Marisa Tomei
Popcorn, peanuts, fox pelts! Get yer fox pelts here!

Teri Hatcher
Pepto-Bismol colored with a large intestine around her neck and it’s still hard to digest.

Celene Dion
The bottom says bicycling, the top says jogging, and the glasses say arc welding.

Cate Blanchett
See Spot. Run!

Star Jones
Looks like Star’s maid forgot to separate the colors again.

Minnie Driver
I sure hope those are new clothes in that bag.

Alyssa Milano
Just because they’re both shiny doesn’t mean they match.

Paris Hilton
It’s getting harder for Paris to hide those unsightly devil horns.

Mariska Hargitay
Kremlin-shaped hats are all the rage in Vladivostok.

Star Jones
The Pink Panther called. He wants his pelt back.

Lindsay Lohan
“Hi Mom! I’m dressed like a bag lady in Us Weekly.”

Those jeans should come with their own razor.

Patricia Arquette
Mylar – it’s not just for balloons anymore.

Thomas Jane and Patricia Arquette
Patricia dances in the saloon while Thomas prospects for gold.

Toni Braxton
Where’s a gust of wind when you need one?

Drew Barrymore
Never bake St. Patrick’s Day cookies without an apron.

Looks like an outfit made from leftovers from the wardrobe trunk.

Faith Evans
Couldn’t she have found shoes to match one of those colors?

Gwen Stefani
The buzz isn’t too good on this outfit.

Liza Minelli
Fashion of the Christ.

Johnny Depp
Neverland: found. Stylist: still searching.

Ben Affleck
Ben’s addictions: nicotine, caffeine, and… pleather.

Rachel Bilson
Testing the expression, “She’d look good in a burlap sack.”

Ashton Kutcher
That outfit is like a frontside Ollie… into a faceplant!

Cameron Diaz
Is she skiing or piloting a Harrier Jump Jet off an aircraft carrier?

Anna Nicole Smith
Bust-see TV.

Mariska Hargitay
Law and Order: Fashion Victims Unit

Jennifer Lopez
Veni, vidi, Gigli.

Angelica Houston
That reminds me… I need to pick up some Hefty bags.

Jessica Simpson
Never lend your sweater to Michael Moore.

Kylie Minogue
Nobody has the heart to tell her it’s a Christmas tree skirt!

Rebecca DeMornay
There are more people on that coat than saw her last movie.

Tangi Miller
Tangi can’t hide her love of Greco-Roman wrestling.

Melissa George
Chameleons rate this fabric a 9.8 in difficulty.

Jay Manuel
Nice cummerbund. Could have used more bailing wire though.

Cynthia Nixon
Impeach Nixon’s dress.

Sharon Stone
It did say “Dry clean only.”

Janice Dickinson
From the Rodney Dangerfield collection.

Rachel Bilson
How to prevent wolf-whistles when passing a construction site.

Daniel Day-Lewis
Nothing accessorizes a velvet suit better than the oldest shoes known to man.

Paula Abdul
Ten pounds of tomatoes in a five pound sack.

Paula Abdul
The last person to look good in a tiara was Queen Victoria.

Vanessa Carlton
The first dress inspired by a Scotch Tape dispenser.

There are some real finds at the Beverly Hills Salvation Army.

Katie Holmes
Best thing about this dress: won’t show mint chocolate chip ice cream stains.

Lisa Marie Presley
She’s hoping the gift bag has a broomstick to complete her outfit.

Paula Abdul
The invite said “dress cosmopolitan,” not neapolitan.

Kelly Ripa
Run! The yeti thinks you’re his mate!

Scarlett Johansson
Go back to the MAC counter and ask for a refund.

Shirley Manson
Shirley, Marilyn and Charles… three Mansons with crazy eyes.

Jessica Simpson
Can you spell “cleavage?” Actually… she can’t.

Natasha Henstridge
Bound with electrical tape, Natasha narrowly escaped from her kidnappers.

Jennifer Lopez
Her Indian name: “Runs From Husbands.”

Kelly Osbourne
Goth cowgirl — perfect for the city and the country!

Alicia Witt
This scout isn’t getting a merit badge in fashion.

Catherine Bach
Solid bronze clothes are durable, but a bitch to get past airport metal detectors.

Trisha Yearwood
When she’s not wearing it, this dress is used to keep the infield at Fenway Park dry.

Serena Williams
In tennis this is called an “unforced error.”

Pink loves to call attention to her left hip for some reason.

Julia Roberts
It’s sad when Julia Roberts walks by and all you notice is a green bag.

Melissa Rivers
Behold… the stone-thrower lives in a glass house!

Thora Birch
It’s Red Leather Jacket Day at the state prison.

Randy Quaid
Which is salmonella and which is e. coli?

Rosie O’Donnell
Rosie’s attempt to break into a boy band is perplexing.

Eva Green
She’s either poorly dressed or shoplifting a bed ruffle.

C.C. DeVille
You’ll see this on the “hitting rock bottom” segment of Poison: Behind the Music.

Diana Ross
If you whack her with a stick, candy falls out.

Tyra Banks
How many Santa’s beards were sacrificed to make that dress?

Claire Danes
I hope she saved the tags

Halle Barry
Wait Halle, you didn’t finish painting the trim!

Goldie Hawn
For Halloween, Goldie dressed up as ribbon candy.

Serena Williams
This tennis star’s outfit is so bad, I can’t even give it a backhanded compliment.

Bo Bice
Looks more like an American Idle.

Viggo Mortensen
Isn’t that Robert Conrad’s old Wild, Wild West bolero jacket?

Vivica A. Fox
The air bag on Vivica’s dress accidentally deployed.

Ashley and Mary Kate Olsen
Olsen twins’ net worth: $300M. Price of a good haircut: $301M, apparently.

Jennifer Lopez
Less of a hairdo, more of a hair-don’t.

Nicole Richie
A migraine headache in convenient dress form!

Jessica Alba
Darth Maul dresses? This Star Wars marketing is out of control.

Andre 3000
Looks more like Andre 1930.

Jenny McCarthy
The mechanical bull said he’d never been ridden like that before!

Victoria Beckham
“Do you have any idea how many times I had to throw up to fit in this?”

Alan Cumming
Alan, what’s your address? I’ll send you an Epilady.

Paris Hilton
This colorful dress will show up great in her next nighttime sex video.

It’s sad to see Bjork try to make ends meet as a Princess Leia impersonator.

Usher demonstrates how he lost a rock-paper-scissors game and was forced to wear this as punishment.

Mariska Hargitay
You see leaves. I see two fish kissing.

Sheryl Crow
Perfect for a dip in the ocean, circa 1910.

Jane Wiedlin
Uh… the lanyard is nice.

Get your picture taken with Mrs. Claus, kids!

Lisa Gastineau
A bridesmaid dress that barely survived a house fire.

Aisha Tyler
Like a tornado hitting a paint store.

Donatella Versace
“Don-a-tella anyone you see me wearing dis.”

Helena Bonham Carter
First to arrive at the cowgirl potluck dinner.

Laura Breckenridge
And they said you couldn’t make a dress out of watermelon rinds!

Winona Ryder
Winona Ryder stars in “The Adventures of Andy Capp.”

Eva Longoria
I question the codpiece.

Kelly Preston
Wow, that hobbit action figure is so lifelike!

Naomi Campbell
The back says, “… And All My Lawyer Got Me Was This Lousy T-Shirt.”

Naomi Watts
Nice look, Fidel.

Jessica Simpson
“I wear these to turn white wine into red wine.”

Kim Cattrall
Specs in the City.

Nicolette Sheridan
If she was going for the bug look, she succeeded.

Victoria Beckham
I hope the LASIK surgery was successful.

Mariah Carey
Those beasts clash in wild and on her dress.

Mary Kate Olsen
Every day brings Mary Kate a little closer to being the “crazy cat lady.”

Mary Kate Olsen
Answers the question: what do you do with an eight foot doily?

Renee Zellweger
It’s so embarrassing when toilet paper follows you from the restroom.

Pink models the traditional garb of Turkmenistan.

Julia Roberts
Never thought I’d long for her Mary Reilly look.

Britney Spears & Kevin Federline
Hurry, you two! The formal gala is just starting.

Bam Margera
It takes a confident man to show up for strip poker like this.

Note how gracefully pink flamingos balance on one foot.

Kelly Osbourne
It was nice of Verne Troyer to loan Kelly his tux.

Rachel McAdams
So that’s what hangs in the back of her closet.

Reese Witherspoon
Dress designers find inspiration in odd places — moldy bread, for instance.

Donald Trump
Go ahead and laugh, but that’s a $45,000 straw hat he’s wearing.

Lindsay Lohan
Looks like Supergirl used too much bleach.

Rachel Weisz
And this is why we don’t make dresses out of litmus paper.

Hilary Duff
Furry boots and shorts… a look that says, “I stopped trying two albums ago.”

Diane Keaton
I think the weight-lifting belt really pulls this whole ensemble together.

Macy Gray
Olive Garden wants its tablecloth back.

Mischa Barton
This dress should be recalled by the manufacturer.

Mimi Rogers
“If this acting thing doesn’t work out, I’ve always got photosynthesis to fall back on.”

Ling Bai
There’s a second dress underneath trying to escape.

Kelly Lynch
Makes you wonder what dresses she rejected looked like!

Michael Stipe
R.E.M. = Really Enjoys Moonboots.

Janice Dickinson
“Welcome to Benihana. By the way, I was the world’s first supermodel.”

Eva Longoria
Good rule of thumb: never wear a bow larger than your head.

Angelina Jolie
This is the shade she prefers to leave on men’s collars.

Christina Aguilera
Those translucent Halloween masks are so creepy!

Diana Ross
Diana Ross and the Supreme Court Justice’s robe.

Lenny Kravitz
“That’ll be two bucks for the squeegeeing, man.”

Elisabeth Rohm
Refraction of light through a prism can be easily explained by this dress.

Amanda Peet
Amanda is shorn once a year, usually in the spring.

Kirsten Dunst
In her defense, it is difficult to shoes to match your bed sheet.

Jesse Metcalfe
He wants you dead, but at least he’s polite about it.

Mariah Carey
I guess the thigh cream isn’t working.

Rachel Griffiths
That was one nasty orange juice spill.

Viggo Mortensen
The jacket and hat give the PJs more of a “day look.”

Kelly Osbourne
Kelly dons a bib before a family dinner of bat heads.

LeeLee Sobieski
Wooden shoes sold separately.

Trudie Styler
You’d think someone named “Styler” would have more… you know.

Tina Turner
Tina got this medal for lasting two rounds with Ike.

Tilda Swinton
“Oh great, Queen Elizabeth is wearing the same dress!”

Heidi Klum
Inspiration for fashion can come from anywhere, even the underside of a beetle.

Sandra Oh
… and Sandra never stuck a fork in an electrical socket again.

Sheryl Crow
I’m glad Sheryl survived the shark attack.

Sienna Miller
One can only surmise that Ms. Miller does not own a mirror.

Liz Hurley
Fun fact: this wrap was made from Blofeld’s cat.

Queen Latifah
Queen Latifah never misses a meeting of the Davy Crockett Appreciation Society!

Jessica Simpson
Eureka! My experiment worked! I’ve trapped Jessica Simpson in a beaker.

Robin Williams
Looks like pigeon-hunting season has opened in New York.

Cate Blanchett
Without a fifth bow, this dress just doesn’t work for me.

Gwyneth Paltrow
That Nellie Oleson always made life miserable for Laura Ingalls.

Cynthia Nixon
“We’re all going to Denny’s after the prom!”

Joss Stone
I loved Bill Murray in Stripes. Can’t say the same for her.

I guess the designer stopped at the “draping the muslin” step.

Ashlee Simpson
That’s the last time she goes to SuperCuts.

Naomi Watts
The “just rescued from sea” look.

Rita Wilson
I’m guessing Tom picked that dress.

Chloe Sevigny
Meet KFC’s new spokesperson: Col. Sevigny!

Courtney Love
For that “just dragged by a truck” look.

Laura Flynn Boyle
Faux pas de deux!

Rose McGowan
Wow… these x-ray specs really work!

Sting and Trudie Styler
The inspiration for Sting’s “Don’t Stand So Close to Me.”

About Steve Altes

Steve Altes is the author of several humor books, dozens of humorous adventure essays, and the comedic graphic novel Geeks & Greeks, set at MIT and inspired by MIT's culture of hacking and Steve's own experiences with hazing.
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